Darlin’ I’ve been standin’ here
Just watchin’ you all night
And I think I’ve even caught you
Watchin’ me a couple times
If I don’t ask I’ll never know
This may sound dumb, but here we go
Do you believe in love at first sight?
Me neither!

I’m glad that we agree, believe me
That’s a big relief
Well, this place is awful crowded
And this music is so loud
Would you like to go and grab a bite to eat?
Me neither

It’s nice to finally meet a girl
Who doesn’t move too fast
I was only checkin’,
That’s the reason that I asked
Relationships need time to grow,
You and I should take this slow
And darlin’ tell me, would you like to dance?
Me neither

I was just bein’ polite.
Thank goodness,
My feet are much too tired
I’m sure you’re tired too,
I can see an empty booth
Would you like to maybe sit and talk a while?
Me neither

We’d never get along
I’m thinkin’
There’s no chemistry at all
This has been a waste of time
And I’m runnin’ outta lines
Don’t you think it’s time for me to end this song?
Me neither

Here we go
Awww, yeah

I work down at the Pizza Pit
And I drive an old Hyundai
I still live with my mom and dad
I’m 5 foot 3 and overweight
I’m a sci-fi fanatic
A mild asthmatic
And I’ve never been to second base
But there’s whole ‘nother me
That you need to see
Go checkout MySpace

‘Cause online I’m out in Hollywood
I’m 6 foot 5 and I look damn good
I drive a Maserati
I’m a black-belt in karate
And I love a good glass of wine
It turns girls on that I’m mysterious
I tell them I don’t want nothing serious
‘Cause even on a slow day
I could have a three way
Chat with two women at one time
I’m so much cooler online
So much cooler online

When I get home I kiss my mom
And she fixes me a snack
And I head down to my basement bedroom
And fire up my Mac
In real life the only time I’ve
ever even been to L.A
Is when I got the chance with the marching band
To play tuba in the Rose Parade

But, online I live in Malibu
I pose for Calvin Klein, I’ve been in GQ
I’m single and I’m rich
And I’ve got a set of six pack
abs that would blow your mind
It turns girls on that I’m mysterious
I tell them I don’t want nothing serious
‘Cause even on a slow day
I could have a three way
Chat with two women at one time
I’m so much cooler online
So much cooler online

When you got my kind of stats
It’s hard to get a date
Let alone a real girlfriend
But I grow another foot
and I lose a bunch of weight
Every time I login

Online
I’m out in Hollywood
I’m 6 foot 5 and I look damn good
Even on a slow day
I could have a three way
Chat with two women at one time
I’m so much cooler online
Yeah, I’m cooler online
I’m so much cooler online
Yeah, I’m cooler online

Yeah, I’m cooler online

Yeah, I’ll see ya online

Someday I’m gonna be famous
Do I have talent? Well, no
These days you don’t really need it
Thanks to reality shows
Can’t wait to date a supermodel
Can’t wait to sue my dad
Can’t wait to wreck a Ferrari
On my way to rehab

‘Cause when you’re a celebrity
It’s adios reality
You can act just like a fool
People think you’re cool
Just ’cause your on TV
I can throw a major fit
When my latte isn’t just how I like it
When they say I’ve gone insane
I’ll blame it on the fame
And the pressures that go with
Being a celebrity, uh huh

I get to cry to Barbara Walters
When things don’t go my way
I’ll get community service
No matter which law I break
I’ll make the supermarket tabloids
They’ll write some awful stuff
But the more they run my name down
The more my price goes up!

‘Cause when you’re a celebrity
It’s adios reality
No matter what you do
People think you’re cool
Just ’cause you’re on TV
I can fall in and out of love
Have marriages that barely last a month
And When they go down the drain
I’ll blame it on fame
And say it’s just so tough
Being a celebrity

So let’s hitch up the wagons and head out west
To the land of fun in the sun
We’ll be Real World Bachelors
Jackass Millionaires
Hey, Hey, Hollywood
Here we come!

Yeah, When you’re a celebrity
It’s adios reality
No matter what you do
People think you’re cool
Just cause you’re on tv
Being a celebrity
Yeah celebrity
Uh-huh
“Aw, where’s my coffee?!”